My reluctant heart.

I walk into this empty hearted hall.
My steps heavy, my chest hollow.
My core shakes with mourning.
Nobody see's i am forever stuck in tergiversation.
I stant before myself underseige with my reflection,
getting stoned for recreation.
But i feel nothing but deep longing,
and i smile my fake smile,
knowing i will never know elation.
Not without my soldier,
with his broad but humble shoulders.
His peircing eye's, and his challenging smile
that dared me to look away,
but it was not exactly a challenge
to hold a steady gaze.
He made me think, a little to often.
He dug my grave, but i didnt stop him.
Now talk is cheap and i crave something real.
But still i make small talk,
so the open wound wont heal.
Oh i hate who i have become,
i twirl me hair and i play dumb.
Oh i've been good, pretty busy.
How about you?
Just tell me you miss me.
Words consistantly struggle to break through.
I strain myself, which ruins my health,
I lay next to him, glad i dont believe in hell.
I curse my heart, with its lack of reason for its doubts,
but the heart has reasons,
that reason knows nothing about.

look in the mirror

Looking in the mirror blowing kisses at myself, saying aint no  one inside me calling out for help, no that’s another story, put it on the shelf, baby I aint scared of dying, I just got out of hell.

Maybe you don’t know it yet but living isn’t that easy, every time I hear a name my stomach’s getting queasy, and I’m just beating at myself, when I catch me thinking, I’m absent from the moment, I’m staring at the ceiling, and going through this by myself gives me a lonely feeling.

And it’s like I’m screaming right at the sky like there’s demons in my lungs, these kids kicking at my heart, but hey they never had one, there’s eye’s burning through my back like a lemon yellow sun, and I’m popping out this toaster, screw this shit I’m done.

Snap out of it Jordan this was so long ago, it’s a pool of lava, stay away and quit dipping in your toe, you let it bottle up inside you and you never let it show, big daddy pulling down my shades saying where’d hell she go, and it’s so- antagonizing, agonizing  austrasizing subordinating over analyzing, everything but your accomplishments, your happiness is deteriorating, and I’m debating whether I can trust myself and whatever the hell I’m saying, I’m getting dizzy, following every which way I’m swaying, I’m not an open book cause I don’t want you to hate me.. And I’m saying…

Now it doesn’t really matter who the heck I was, so to all of the pretenders, who I am now is enough, so what, cause I’m behaving, so what, I can have fun, quit all the shitty hating, its easier to love, yeah I knows it’s really cheesy so I only say it once. But it’s ironic cause I’m angry, don’t know where its coming from, and my mind is getting lazy, I’m twiddling my thumbs, and I’m feeling kind of crazy, just lately damn it why won’t you just shut up…

Somebody help me I think I might be melting, i am i swear, in my head like a secret mind affair, right as i put my lighter there, take a pull, nicotine, wishing i could slide by so serene, my skins to tight, times are mean,  and im looking for a sign, looking back from time to time, and damn do i dream, its torturing me, remembering your lips against mine, feeling the rush, but your not there, running my fingers through my hair, but there not yours, why should i care, i see flashes of the way you used to stare, and its not fair, making love on a double dare, like we wouldnt, that aint true, im wishing i got a chance to spit hate on you, but thats not right, thats not me, atleast not who want to be, so i say so i do, so im looking at you...

Kill me at the sunset, laughing in the rain, I’m insane, I’m in pain, so disdained, let the heads roll baby let them hang, and I sang,

Looking in the mirror blowing kisses at myself saying aint no one inside me calling out for, cause that’s another story I’ll just put on the shelf, damn it I aint scared of dying, I just got out of hell.

what lies beneath

My heart hits my chest like my body's playing ping pong,
beating it like king kong. Soldier on. Your dead to me run along.
Wait where'd you go while i was gone? Held on to your boyfriend? Cheated on your girlfriend?
Are you a serial a killer?  Are you a con?
I dont know its been so long. But hey what do i care....
I got to get that, its my door bell. "Ding dong."
Oh look its misery, hows that for fucking irony? So what?
Yeah we got chemistry. he thinks its some monotany.
Thats also contradictory considering that he's taunting me.
 Well there goes all the gravity.
He's saying "Boom" when I hit the floor... Welcome to cacophany.
And I'm like hell. Yeah I'm like hell, snap out it cause all is well.
Words I'm struggling to sell. Not to the world, but to myself. But I got pride, cant ask for help.
There's a reason why I left. Can you not tell? Of course not cause I keep it curled inside this shell.
 I was stepped on and stalcked, cause I was too "nice" to tell him to stop. And she was the worst.
Because she had it in her head that she could not.
I'm not her family, I'm not your soul mate, I'm not her other half, and most of all, I'm not your fucking inmate.
 No wonder when my panick is attacking. It's triggered by these leaches im attracting.
I used to rub my temples, like is this really happening?
But now its happened, and some vanished along with me.
I've herd it all, I've seen the worst, I know fucking murderers.
They killed people, then killed the thirst for blood and beer, whatever came first....
And I lay in my bed and I'm scared, and I stare, I'ts almost like i want them there,
but i dont. Oh but you do. Shut up misery no one asked you.
tighten up your screws are lose. Your like a fucking brown recluse.
Ive been writing since a quarter to 2, now its 3 o'clock, I cant sleep, and it's no use.
So I thought I'd write what lies benieth, behind of what I say or do.
It doesnt make much sense to me, I'm sure it wont make much sence to you.

Time to walk away and let it go

THE PATH IS ONE OF THESE.

The path is one of these

A darkened angel

Or you and me

Our lack there of

A vacancy

A forest fire

A paradise

 A hurricane

The path is one of these

Its killing me

Its eating me

The hate the burn the agony

The love the holding on

The noise in my head

Cacophony

The path is one of these

A lack of wanting to be seen

A we,

A one,

A nobody,

The heads will role

He turns away from me

A tear

A lowered chin

An unfixed gaze

He’s never been

Eyes are far away

To the left a memory

To the right imagining

Being lost

Without wandering

The path is one of these

So leave.

All the screams

 We should have screamed

Escape us momentarily

Shoulders rolling towards the ground

Your lying it’s a lie your lying

And I’m trying

No I’m not

I want to die

No I don’t

I want to kill you

 I don’t know

Maybe I do

Maybe not

What’s it to you

Come on breathe

She’s shaking me

I’m shaking me

The path is one of these

                                                                                                   So leave

ranting

Hey do you feel that? Do you feel me? Transferring energy.. to who? Too you… is it negative or positive? I want peace and serenity, but you, you can’t quite grasp that with all this anxiety. When your just walking away down the street. A lonely patron who’s blowing off steam.  While others ignore it you are examining , the way others are speaking and what they must be thinking. What happened to you? its like a ship sinking. The wirl pool its making like a down ward spiral.. you think your fighting hard, you feeling suicidal. You hop bar to bar trying to keep a low profile. But you got a brand new title. crazy crazy crazy girl is fucking senile. Crazy crazy crazy, my mind is getting hazy. seeing shit out the the corner of my eye but my eyes are just lazy. And its amazing, the way everythings changing , go hard or go home. Its so intimidating. Fast pace high strung white lace young love get money drink rum, now wont u please put to check next to one of the above. Or all the above shit, you people make me sick, men now a days used up all there old tricks, there pricks, who needs em, who cares im just tired of these chicks feeding into em, nowadays its all about the power play, this means nothing , you don’t gatta call me babe, I don’t got no feelings run run run away when you talk the talk, you got so much more to say, when u walk you walk funny swaying every which way, taking his shit every damn day, cause he talks like hes a champ and your such a good lay. Guys are gods and girls are whores, so large and in charge, it strikes a fucking cord, cause I really dont wanna here this shit anymore. Yawn yawn yawn im getting really fucking bored, another man throw out the damn door, men are a chore, your fucking princess you deserve to be adored,  yeah we like the attention, not to mention, some comprehension, quit acting like im from the friggen third dimension. One thing I hate most of all is people judging how far you fall fuck em all prove em wrong ignore the cooing in the halls , say it to your face if they’ve got the balls, I am a me no one can define, porcelain skin and opal eyes, always look my best slim and refined, don’t turn my back, cause they’ll stab my backside. When I walk the streets though I shrug my heavy shoulders, and I think the memories of insanity scary things will fade if I take another, but I reframe sustain emotion, it will only come back the pain, from the past when I was little, and when nothing would ever be the same. Uh oh its coming out all poison can’t be contained, throwing up again and again, crying so hard getting chest pains, im sweaty my shoulders ache from all the ghosts that stand up on them they own my life they drive me insane I be feeling disdained  with all my fucking hate, angry at the world for what it set upon my fucking plate go back to where you came from, and relive it every fucking day, till you get sick enough to feel my mother fucking  pain. I admit you fucking own me in every mother fucking way, I admit defeat and I reseed into another normal day, knowing lifes a bitch and ive said everything I have to say.